12 May More Than Mom
Mother’s Day is here, reminding us all of our own mothers, being a mother, or maybe both.
Sadly, society is all too keen on compartmentalizing women, perhaps the most so when they become mothers.
Let’s bring the sexy back for all the moms out there, because you’re not just a f*cking badass for being a mom, you’re also a sexy creature who deserves space for their sexuality.
Today we explore ways for moms who feel sexually hungry to reconnect with their sexuality, and educate their partners on how to be the best support possible.
Sexually Remembering Yourself
Especially if it’s been a long time since you felt connected to your sexuality, it can be really helpful to reacquaint yourself… with yourself.
This looks different for each person because sexuality is such a deeply personal experience. Reflect on the times in the past when you felt particularly sexually charged, and even journal about those times. Is there anything from that time that you could recreate now?
Perhaps some lingerie that reminds you of the past, listening to an album you used to have sex to, or even using an old perfume can be helpful. Smell is the sense most closely linked to memory, so I particularly like using scents as tools for reconnection.
As well as remembering your past self, you might also like to meet your new self. This is a version of you that you’ve never met before. Motherhood creates big changes to our hormones, and hormonal fluctuations can massively affect arousal. This means that things which turned you on years ago, months ago, even sometimes just days ago, might no longer get your engine running.
It doesn’t mean those arousal patterns won’t necessarily come back, but it can be helpful to have an inquisitive and non-judgmental view of your sexuality.
Instead of reaching for default turn-ons, try asking yourself ‘what would bring me pleasure in this moment?’. One day it might be a steamy porn flick, other times a foot rub and alone time might call to you, and tomorrow it might be some BDSM play.
Sometimes you might not even know what would turn you on. That’s okay too. You don’t need to always have all the answers, and it can be relaxing to just experiment and see what inspires you.
Creating Time for sensuality
Unfortunately, most mom’s lives don’t organically have a lot of time and space for sexuality. It’s not usually a matter of choosing a time for yourself, but actually creating time.
Closeness, emotional intimacy, and shared connections help bond us to our partners (and kids, friends, and other loved ones). They give us snuggly feel-good bonding hormones, but they don’t create sexual energy. Separateness and individuality are necessary ingredients for eroticism to thrive. Regardless of if you have a partner or not, most people need alone time in order to get into a sexual mood.
It is important to create time and space for yourself, even just a few minutes a day, but ideally a lot more than that. High quality, individualized self-care helps to encourage a sexual mindset. Create time to engage in hobbies you enjoy, take solo walks, soak in a bath while someone watches the kids, or even take a vacation with some friends. Being a mom is just one aspect of the beautiful myriad that makes you the spectacular person that you are.
Creating time for yourself often involves setting really clear kind boundaries with your loved ones. Boundaries are not about pushing people away, they are the distance you need between you and your loved ones in order to love both of you.
It also involves saying no a lot. Saying no and setting clear boundaries in a kind and loving way is an amazing example for others to prioritize themselves too.
Create the time you need to allow the space for your sexuality to bloom.
Mother, love thy self
You know how every flight they tell you to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others? Sex is A LOT like that too. Especially if you feel extremely disconnected from yourself as a sexual being, it can be a lot easier to start traversing those waters again solo.
Solo sex is great! You don’t have to take anyone else’s needs into consideration, or be mindful of anyone else’s desires. Instead, you can just explore what works for you. There’s no risk of pregnancy, plus you’ll get exactly the kind of lovemaking you’re looking for.
Exploring your pleasure with sex toys can be a fun way to experiment with finding out what you may like. You might want to try an easy to use toy like the Womanizer, it feels similar to oral sex with its patented pleasure-air technology, and it has 8 intensity levels so you can explore exactly what feels good to you.
Try and create some time each day to focus on your own pleasure. It might be as quick as 60 seconds of non-goal oriented masturbation in the shower, or even non-sexual pleasure such as getting up before the kids to savor a cup of tea in silence. Whatever works best for you, just try and start prioritizing your own pleasure, instead of always putting everyone else first.
Sometimes changing the setting really helps inspire sexuality. When you’re at home, even if the kids are being safely watched at a loved one’s house, your home may remind you of all the things you could be doing. Take a walk, go to the beach with your boo or some girlfriends, or even have a staycation at a nearby hotel. You might be surprised what a change of scenery could do.
Sexy all the time
Mama, you do not have to compartmentalize your sexual energy. You can be sexy all the time, if you’d like to be. We don’t become sexual when another person finds us sexy, but when we choose to feel sexual. When we ignite our own fires from within. So light your fire today!